By Jeremy Southern, ex-executive creative director and current freelance creative/copywriter.
Dear Mr. Southern,
Thank you for applying for the role of in-house Content Writer.
Unfortunately, after scarcely any consideration, we have decided not to move forward with your application.
We were overwhelmed with the number of responses we received and having half-heartedly read three or four, (well, three,) we put the rest in the trash and went and played Foosball. You’ll be pleased to hear we beat the accounts team 10-4. Go Dingoes!
We did notice that your resume boasted a lot of relevant skills that would have made you ideal for this position. However, in this instance we decided to go with another applicant we know from footy training, who’s bloody hilarious when he’s had a few.
We can assure you this was not a decision we undertook lightly, and it took three hard-fought rounds of rock, paper, scissors before we arrived at our choice of final candidate.
We would like to keep your details on file, not because we have any intention of giving you a job at some future date, but because we think it portrays us as a sensitive and compassionate organisation.
If you have any questions, please do hesitate to call. We are, after all, busy people, and having recently discovered golf, are understandably keen to get our handicaps down to single digits.
You will notice that the we have used the term “we” throughout this letter. This is to prevent you focusing your anger and resentment on any one person, and reduces the likelihood of your turning up at our office to pop a cap in their ass.
The HR Team
Jeremy is a Sydney-based writer who has had more than his share of rejection letters over the past few months. He’s not going to say how many, but suffice to say, he never once ran out of toilet paper during the Covid pandemic. If you have any writing or conceptualising jobs that need doing, then contact him at email@example.com